The (un)official guide to being a profitable house maid

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So, you are a house maid. And that too in Bangalore. And you must be glad because the market has picked up considerably with all the new apartments being built, and all the fat parents and their arrogant children. And you are right to be very glad for if you play your cards right, you can end up being very profitable. Here is how :

Inception period

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• This period is characterized by either a new household starting up in the vicinity, or your colleague/friendenemy abandoning her current household.
• Ensure that you maintain good network among your other colleagues and apartment guards. You have very high chance of bumping into other housemaids during “waste disposal time” or “common corridor cleaning time” etc., Strike a good conversation by providing juicy gossips about your current household; something along the lines of how fat your house owner is all the way upto relationship problems between the husband and wife.
• Also ensure that you maintain good relationship with the apartment guards. They are your living job portals if you will. Giving away that tasty snack that you got from your house owner sometimes to the guard will NOT go unrewarded.
• If you do all the above, chances are that you will be shown to a door which will be opened by a very hopeful face desperately waiting for you to say yes.
• Now, when that happens to you, play cool. Look like you don’t need the job. Negotiate higher wages. Give examples of other colleagues getting paid more in other floors of the same apartment. Suit up for the occasion - nobody likes a shabby housemaid in their already shabby house.
• You have more than 95% chance of getting the offer. By ensuring that you negotiate for a higher price, you will contribute to the general increase in wages to other house maids too. Consider it as your professional contribution.

First days of employment

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• Be punctual for atleast a few days into your new job. Delight your household.
• Some households will have nagging grandparents. They always crib about how expensive you are, how you are not doing justice to your new job, how it used to be in their days and how things have gone to dogs these days etc., Do not worry - play nice.
• Ensure that you squat down well while mopping. While sweeping, ensure that you go beyond the call of your duty and reach for those tricky places under the cot, or behind the refrigerator etc., Do this when they are looking. But don’t make it seem so. Basically, delight them.
• If you are only getting regular coffee/breakfast - you are not doing enough. If you got unused clothes, household furniture etc., then you did great.
• Continue this only so long that they have nothing more new to give. Be careful, if you continue to delight them for extended periods of time, you run the risk of setting high expectations - which is not cool.
• You may expect honesty tests in this phase. It is normally of the form where something valuable is purposefully left lying around without monitoring. If you find it and return it, you would think it will improve your image, but sometimes it would work the other way too. You could be considered a kiss-ass - so, the best bet is to simply ignore it. By doing so, you are demonstrating that you know how prudent your owner is by wanting this item to be precisely where it is currently, and you are not judging their prudence.
• If you are ever asked to wash the dishes more thoroughly and pointed to a speck of dust that you thought was not important to be cleaned, you can conclude that the first phase of your employment is complete and it is now safe to stop delighting them.
• Time it well so that you get a pay raise just before this phase ends.
• Studies have shown that this phase could be anywhere between 2-4 months.

Sustaining phase

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• This is when you have a love you, hate you kind of a thing going on with your household.
• Believe in yourself - In this phase, you have the power to keep going as long as you want.
• You can drastically reduce the total time you spend on your job in that house - sometimes as much as by 60%-70%. Invest this time in professional network development, keeping yourself abreast of new opportunities etc.,
• Make it a 6 day week. Take extended leaves. Ask for advance money. Everything works - as long as you know how to strike a balance between being confident and being downright obnoxious.
• If you are the sort of person who couldn’t care less about morale, values etc., you can use this time to steal stuff. The trick is to ensure that you steal the right things, which will give value to you, but it is NOT too valuable for your household. Clothes, Sandals, Non touch screen phones, money upto 500 INR per month etc., are mostly considered safe. It is very easy to get carried away and steal stuff of higher value. Don’t do this - not good in the long run.
• However, if you find yourself in a tight spot for stealing a valuable item, here are some time tested tips:
  • Try to convince your owners how dire a need you had which prompted you to do it. Apologize profusely and return it back. Some tears wouldn’t hurt.
  • If that doesn’t work and if they talk about law, police etc., claim that you will commit suicide. Most owners will have their heart in their mouths when they hear this.
  • If that doesn’t work either - go offensive. Claim that you will complain to the police about harassment etc.,
  • If that doesn’t work - god help you. Disappear.

Termination phase

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• Unlike other jobs, your job doesn’t have a termination policy/procedure etc.,
• If you have done well in the previous phase, most owners will ask you to leave. Make sure you get paid for every day before you quit (including leaves). Hey, you made the best of the opportunity - good job!
• If you are tired of your job or have found a more rosier opportunity, it gets a little tricky. You wouldn’t want to convey this directly to your house hold. It could get a little awkward and you would be closing their doors for you.
• The accepted and tested approach here is:
  • Ensure that you are paid for the previous month and only few days into the new month.
  • Don’t go into work and tell them you are sick.
  • You household will attempt to make contact with you either by mobile phone, or by contacting your husband. In both cases, an acceptable answer would be “will come from tomorrow”.
  • Don’t go into work at all for as long as it takes. Normally for about 2 weeks.
  • By this time, your household is desperate for another house maid and they will find one. You should hear about this sooner or later.
  • Once that happens, give it a few more days. Then show up to collect the payment for additional days.
  • If you choose to, you can be nice and inquire about the kids or the granny etc., Tell them how sick you (or your close relative) were and how sorry you are for loosing this opportunity.

Remember, their is no correct answer for how long you should engage in a single job. You will need to tailor the length of each phase depending on market conditions.

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